10 comments on “The Scapegoat Narcissist

  1. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I am the co dependent that ended up marrying an even worse narcissist. I am in the middle of a hostile divorce with him. It is a fight for my life!

    • I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce with a narcissist, although it also sounds like it’s led to some positive realizations for you. I read your blog, and it seems we all have the same story of ignoring red flags until it’s way too late (I documented this feeling in GET OFF THE TRACKS!). I have been divorced twice, and each new partner I select seems even worse than the last. Have strength and know that no matter what happens, it’s his issue, not yours. You did all you could. Be able to forgive yourself for your mistakes and pick up the reigns on your new and bright future.

    • I can relate to this. since I’ve discovered my position as scapegoat , I realized that the reason I was attracting narcissistic partners is because of I settled for less believing that I deserves to be abused..

      • Hi Elaine, and welcome!

        I completely understand your position. Yes, I believed that I was somehow “less than” and deserved to be abused. It was all I knew; I was somehow inadequate. I also had a terrible time establishing boundaries in relationships, meaning that I would let my partner(s) get away with behavior that I never should have tolerated. It’s a recipe for attracting narcissistic individuals into our lives, both friends and lovers. Be glad that you have gained the understanding to know how you end up in such predicaments. Be thankful that you have figured it out! Yes, it’s a long and painful journey to healing, but it gets better every day.

        Thank you for stopping by, Elaine, and best wishes on your healing journey.

        Stephen Bach

  2. I know how hard it is to find yourself in that stream, covered in mud and bruised. I know how hard it is to realize that you were ignoring all the red flags and pretending everything was fine. I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks. My last relationship of 4 yrs was with a very narcissistic woman who eventually cheated on me and only admitted it when she had contracted an STD. In that relationship, I had a MAJOR red flag 2 years into it that I ignored. I should have ended i then. I continued for another 2 years before she admitted to contracting an STD through her cheating and I ended it. The good news is, you eventually did realize the nature of your relationship with your N-husband. You’re still alive, you still have time, you can fix the issues that got you here and move forward with a fresh outlook. It will take time, but it will be well worth it.

  3. “and all the abuser’s flying monkeys”
    Holy crap, I laughed out loud at this. It’s just the perfect mental image. I can even hear the Wizard of Oz soundtrack playing as those hairy little bastards take to the air. For fun, from now on, whenever I recognize that I’m being manipulated by a narcissist, I’m going to play those notes in my mind and laugh my ass off. At the very least, it will stump them long enough for me to walk away.

    • Excellent approach!

      If anything, laughing in their face will completely dumbfound them because you aren’t giving them their expected (and desired) reaction, which means that they will most likely leave you alone in the future because you have shown you are not willing to subject yourself to their manipulation tactics.

      Stephen Bach

  4. Hi,
    Yes, it is possible for a scapegoat to get into another N relationship and become codependent in it. However, it is becos they are not N themselves or exhibiting codependent traits in the relationship, is why they are scapegoated in the first place. A scapegoat will generally never become an N, however there are Ns out there who think they have have been scapegoated and now due to that they are N. They have been Ns all along actually. This is a typical N playing the victim card. Remember Ns are usually very intelligent and when they come on a forum, and talk about abuse, people who have been scapegoated just accept it as the truth.

  5. I was the golden child…slowly and surely I’m leaving my family behind. Scarily enough, my brother the scapegoat is now saying what happened wasn’t that bad. Denial is strong, but thank god for my therapist. It feels at times, that my brain is cracking up.

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