Below are the realizations that I made a few weeks after separating from my NxGF and committing myself to figuring out what was wrong with ME. After a lifetime of failed relationships, I needed to know what was wrong with ME!
I don’t doubt that many of you that have found this blog have had similar realizations.
I feel like I’m at the point where I’ve accepted a lot of things:
- My narcissistic mother is truly a vile and evil person, capable of extreme abuse in the name of “love” and “god”. She never loved me, and she never will. Attempting to make things right with her is an impossible task and my best course of action is to completely cut her out of my life.
- My mother programmed me to take abuse. I was trained in an 18 year boot camp of how to be abused and “love it”. I have carried this with me throughout my life and it’s led me to be a magnet for abusers my entire life.
- In order for me to tolerate abuse, I have essentially blocked out many emotions that would have helped me to end the abusive cycle much sooner.
- My entire last 4 year relationship was a sham relationship with a person that could probably be diagnosed as having NPD. There was no love in that relationship either. We were doomed from the start. It’s a tough pill to swallow because there were some really good times, but it was all about her, and always will be.
- I will never receive any closure in my relationship with my mother other than what I can provide for myself.
- I will never receive any closure in my relationship with my ex-girlfriend other than what I can provide for myself.
- It was always them, not me. I was a fool to not trust my gut which always told me it was them and think it might be me.
- I have no idea what it’s like to be in a truly loving and nurturing relationship with a significant other.
- I definitely have some co-dependent tendencies.
- I need to get my issues fixed; for me, for my daughter, and for my own personal well-being. So that I can be the person that I want to be. So I can attract someone that is capable of truly loving me for who I am, and doesn’t just see me as a top notch source of narcissistic supply.
What I found was that once I was willing to face my demons, the realizations just cascaded to a point where I could hardly manage them anymore. Once I broke through the wall of denial I had created, the river behind it nearly drowned me…. but it also swept me up and carried me to places I had never been. Thankfully I’ve now found a wonderful beach on that river and learned that I can step in if I want to, or just lay on the beach if the current is to strong, or i just don’t feel like swimming. I hope you can find your beach, too.