4 comments on “Stark Realizations

  1. Wonderful! Moving beyond my denial made me feel like Pandora. I desperately wanted to shut that box again, but the memories came out anyway. Overwhelming and breathtaking. But I am SO happy for you to have found a safe haven in which to rest from time to time. I also am learning to allow myself to take a break from healing. Which is a type of healing itself, isn’t it? Learning to know when we’re tired and take care of ourselves instead of berating ourselves for not being better!
    It’s hard to trust your gut when you’ve been taught not to listen to your SELF.

    I’m not sure how old your daughter is, but I’m struggling with how much of this journey to share with my children? If anyone has thoughts or suggestions – I’d love to hear them. My 3 kids are young adults (2 in college), and I want to know how to share why I’m stepping away from their grandparents without making them feel burdened.

    • Hi Megan, I agree, it definitely does seem that once you break through a lifetime of denial, the realizations come so fast that you can barely manage them. To me it was like someone poked a pin in the balloon. I would surmise that is why we left that huge wall of denial in place for so long. Our minds knew subconsciously how great the pain was behind that wall and made sure that wall stayed in place to protect us. It typically takes an event that is on the same level of emotional pain as what’s behind that wall to make our minds decide to take the steps to break down that wall of denial we’ve created and deal with all the turmoil behind it. For me, it took the catastrophic failure of my 3rd significant adult relationship when I was informed by my then girlfriend of 4 years that she had exposed me to an STD because she had been cheating on me.

      I agree that taking time off from the healing process from time to time is very valuable. If one is constantly ruminating about all the issues that led to this point in their life, they are going to miss out on life while they focus on their issues. I decided to take about 2 months off recently, but after a while my gut was telling me that I still had a lot of work to do, so I decided to spend time focusing on getting to the next level of healing. Yes, I jumped back into that river.

      My daughter is in elementary school. I / we have historically had very little contact with my NM. I have not seen her at this point since the 2012 holiday season. I plan to stay NC. I have not formerly informed NM that I no longer will have any contact with her. NM is now just beginning to figure out that I have withdrawn from her and has sent me a few letters via snail mail to inform me what’s going on with her life that I “need to now about”. My daughter has asked a few times about “grandma” and I’ve typically deflected the question to this point. At some point, I will need to explain it all to her, but she’s not at a point in her life where I feel she is really capable of understanding the issues. She does understand bullying, so that may be a good way to present it. It was very difficult to explain to my daughter what happened with my last relationship, and why we were never going to see my N exGF again. I eventually told her that my N exGF did something very very bad to daddy and I couldn’t tell her all the details, but that my N exGF had decided to have another boyfriend at the same time I was her boyfriend and didn’t tell me about it. That seems to have stopped my daughter’s questions for now.

      As far as your adult children go, my thought would be that by now they may well have their own opinion of your parents, and it should really be their decision on what type of relationship they would like to have with them. I don’t doubt that they have seen a lot of your parents’ behaviors and know that your parents’ behavior isn’t right, but don’t say anything to you because they are, after all, your parents. If you start talking to them about it, they may well tell you they already have it all figured out. I’m not sure how much contact you historically had with your parents, but if it’s a situation like mine, you may be able to silently withdraw and deal with any ramifications once they are presented. My personal take is that I would take the brutally honest approach with your children. If your children start asking why you are withdrawing, clearly state the issues that have led you to this point, and tell them that this decision is for your own personal well being, and that they are encouraged to make their own decisions on what type of relationship they will have with your parents in the future and you will not hold their decision against them in any way.

      Stephen Bach

  2. Pingback: Removing the Mask | The Narcissist's Son

  3. Pingback: Golden@2300 | The Narcissist's Son

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