12 comments on “My Inner Child

  1. I really love this post. I feel like most children of narcissists grow up with emotional blocks, and it’s a hard ordeal to go through getting those channels to open up again.

    I really connected with this piece, because I have recently taken up a job working with children, and I have found it to be a really liberating experience. I have seen in myself someone who is definitely not my mother. I suppose it has been a rather healing experience for me, letting my inner child see that I am not the adults that I grew up with.

    Thank you for writing this, and helping me to figure out what it is that I was feeling: relief.

    • You are very welcome! I’m so very glad that you were able to connect with my experiences and I’m truly humbled that you find value in the path my life has taken. If others can benefit from my journey, that’s truly a positive outcome of where I’ve been.

      I hope that your inner child continues to find release through your work with children. I find that mine truly loves having a playmate (my daughter)!

  2. Hi Stephen,

    This is a beautiful post. And I’m so happy that you were able to connect to your inner child.

    ” I had a wonderful friend that was about his age with whom he could play. This friend is outgoing, adventurous and likes a lot of the same things he does and would never judge him or call him a disappointment. The friend I introduced him to was my 7 yr old daughter.”

    That is just beautiful.

    I was raised by a narcissistic mother, too. (Fun little club to be a part of, heh?) Just found out about NPD about 2 years ago. And while I understand the inner child concept intellectually, I haven’t been able to connect to mine on a deeper, emotional level.

    How did you connect at that deeper level? How did it happen?

    On another note, I’ve spent the last couple of hours reading through your archives, and you have a real talent writing about what all of this confusing stuff means! You write wonderfully and clearly.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing what you’ve been through. And any inner child tips would be greatly appreciated!

  3. Hi BG!

    First of all, I’m sorry you had to go through life with a narcissistic mother. It’s definitely not fun. I hope you continue to make positive progress on your healing journey.

    Thank you for the complement! I’m truly flattered when other people find my insights helpful. It’s definitely a positive outcome of my life’s experiences.

    Here’s what I did to connect to my inner child. Hopefully it’s helpful. First I did some reading on ways that were recommended to find him. Once I felt I had a plan, I spent some time in deep meditation, trying to connect with the boy that was inside me and trying to put myself into his shoes and feeling what he felt. I had, by this point, realized that as an adult I had cut many emotions out of my life (anger / sadness), and that the removal of those emotions most likely had stemmed from childhood. I searched for when was the first point in my life where I felt I wasn’t permitted to be angry or sad. As I mentioned once I found him I couldn’t stop crying. It was really hard. I so wanted to just hug him and hold him and tell him I loved him. Then, reaching deeper and trying to understand further, I discovered that he didn’t want anything to do with me, which made it even harder for me the adult. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me or look up from staring at his hands.

    Thankfully things are getting a bit better. He does acknowledge me now, although I don’t feel as if he fully trusts me yet. It is a lot of fun to have him play with my daughter. We ride bikes together, go swimming, run for ice cream, all stuff he loves to do. I feel confident that with time, he will learn that he doesn’t have to keep living the same nightmare over and over and that there’s more to life than fear.

    Stephen Bach

  4. Hey Stephen, thanks for your response. What you wrote is very interesting and I do know where you are coming from. I’ve been experiencing this type of thing through daily meditation and prayer. I think deep connections and understanding comes from gratitude and trust. When I “get in my own way” and start trying to control things, try to make them happen faster, the resistance stops the progress. But if I open up and trust the process, insights pop up, and I begin to “feel” the knowledge at a much deeper level instead of just understanding it in the “thinking” realm.

    I find it so interesting that it’s the same process to finding our inner child. I don’t have very many memories from childhood at all. So I’ve been focused on what I “don’t” know instead of trusting what I will discover if I give it time and trust that it will be revealed to me.

    Again, I’m so glad you’ve connected to your inner child, and the two of you are helping each other overcome the fear. It’s going to be ok.

    Peace to you.

  5. Hi BG,

    It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what it will take for you to get to where you want to be. I can definitely understand your desire to “speed up the process” getting in the way of your healing. It’s definitely an area where I struggle as a codependent. I immediately start anaylzing and don’t let myself feel the associated emotions. I think you have the right mindset and understand what it will take. Going back and finding your inner child is like digging through that old trunk that’s been buried in the attic for decades. I found myself finding many memories that I had long suppressed on my way to finding my inner child in the bottom of that trunk. Take each memory that you pull out of that trunk and acknowledge it. Let yourself feel the associated emotions. Don’t just throw it on the floor and pull out the next memory in a rush to get to the bottom. Once I became fully aware of the person I was as a child, discovering who he truly was and recognizing him came shortly thereafter.

    Since I had been so damaged that I essentially had no remaining emotion but fear, it was very difficult to get to a point where I could feel the full pallette of emotions again. I’m still working on it, and always will be. I am definitely getting better, though. I definintely feel anger and sadness now, which is something that I didn’t permit myself to feel for decades.

    Thank you for your well wishes, and I wish you all the best in your continued healing journey.

    Stephen Bach

  6. Pingback: This Boy | The Narcissist's Son

  7. Your description of finding your inner child is touching and profound. Thank you for commenting on my blog. I’m looking forward to reading more of your writing.

    • Thank you, Kim. I’m honored that my inner child post resonated with you.

      Thank you for sharing my inner child post on your Facebook page as well. I’m glad that you feel it would be beneficial to your readers.

      I’m quite interested in your new book on No Contact. When will it be available? I know it’s written from a female perspective, but I have found that the patterns are essentially the same between women and men when dealing with these issues. As I’ve said before, it’s like we are all actors in different productions of Othello. The script is always the same and the outcome is always the same, the only difference is the actors involved.

      Stephen Bach

  8. When I read your post I sobbed…..My inner child has been hiding in the closet for 50 years!!!! I am healing my inner child and finding ways to make her feel…lovable, good enough, safe and realize that I will never abandon her. Thank you so much for your open post….it gives me hope to know others are walking this path back to healing after a narcissistic relationship. I am at the place finally where I can be grateful for the experience in order to heal me! ❤

    • Hi Donna!

      Sorry for my delay in replying. It can be difficult for me to comment on inner child posts, because it really hits close to home for me.

      It’s wonderful that you were able to identify your inner child! There are so many that have so few memories left from childhood that they are unable to even find that inner child. Yes, I know it’s horribly painful to find her, but being able to find her is the first step to in reparenting you inner child and showing her the love and compassion that should have always been hers, but never was. Being able to connect with the feelings of your inner child is the first step in being able to fully reintegrate your persona and become whole again.

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting, Donna, and best wishes on our healing journey!

      Stephen

  9. I dont know exactly what to write, to be honest. I am in a strange state of my life currently, and as i have come across the topic of narcissism a few days ago and diagnosed my father with it, i havent spent a single day without research all day long, every free second i had.
    and now it seems, im about to move out. i cannot tell him though before its a safe bet. he would do everything to stop me.
    actually hes not even a very mean narcissist. thats due to my mother and i kind of tamed him greatly over the years – my brother though is the perfect codependent. so here i am, sitting and writing to you, stephen, while i cannot really talk to anyone about it. i have no friends that are really that close to me – though that might be due to my fear of exposing myself. and i cannot tell the family, because i dont want to alert the narcissist. i just sit here so.
    but i feel like i am talking around. i just wanted to tell you, that its wonderful how you write. its wonderful because i can relate so strongly too you. my situation is much easier than yours i guess, or at least different. but it doesnt really matter, because we all have an inner child that would have deserved better.
    i thank you for making me smile this evening and almost cry as well.

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