I have been the family scapegoat for my entire life. Part of the dynamic of the scapegoat is that the scapegoat can never do anything right, no matter how great the accomplishment of the scapegoat. All the scapegoat’s accomplishments must be disregarded and ignored. My narcissistic mother (NM) would take this to extremes. Not only does NM disregard and ignore my accomplishments, she will go out of her way to NOT even to have to acknowledge my skills and talents.
Here’s an example:
I’ve been playing guitar since I was 13. There are a myriad of painful memories related to my musical endeavors that I plan to eventually share on my blog. After I graduated college after my stint in the Navy, I started my own band. I’ve been playing in my band for about 15 years now, and have played well over 300 shows. I’m fairly respected in the community for my skills as a guitar player and if I’m not out playing with my own band, I have many friends that will invite me to sit in. NM has never seen me play a show. All my spouse’s parents and girlfriend’s parents have seen me play, but NM has not.
I’ve played quite a few shows in my hometown where NM still lives. It’s about 100 miles away from me. One night, about 10 years ago, while I was setting up for a show in my hometown, my bass player came in to the bar where we were playing that night with a load of gear and said “I just saw your mother outside”. Evidently she and my stepfather had gone out for dinner to the restaurant next door and were just on their way out. I asked “Did you say anything to her?”. He said “Yes, I told her you were playing here and invited her to stay, but she said she had to get home”. I finished putting down my load of gear and walked outside to see my mother and stepfather rounding the corner on their way to their car. My drummer, who was outside collecting his drums said “Was that your mother?” I said “Yes”. He looked at me with a perplexed expression on his face that said “How come she didn’t stop in to listen to you or even say ‘Hi’ to you??”. I just turned away and grabbed some more gear and headed back into the bar.
About a month later I was on the phone with NM and she asked about my band.
NM: “So was that your band playing at the Wooden Nickel last month?
Stephen: “Yes, we had a pretty good night”
NM: “So who’s in your band?”
Stephen: “Well it’s myself singing and playing guitar, Chris does some singing and plays bass, and Mike on drums”
– long pause –
NM: “So that’s it?”
Stephen: “Yep, just the three of us”
– another pause –
NM: “So you do all the guitar playing and the singing”
NM: “And there’s no one else in the band”
Stephen: “No, just the three of us”
NM: “Huh, I didn’t think you were good enough to do that”
Talk about devaluing my accomplishments and refusing to even acknowledge my skills and talents! Yet another example where I, the scapegoat, accomplished something that she should have at least recognized and NM refused to even acknowledge it.
- 3.65 (thenarcissistsson.wordpress.com)