4 comments on “Her Greatest Failure

  1. Pingback: Know Your Role | The Narcissist's Son

  2. Stephen,
    But it still hurts. The subtext of everything you write about, and you write about it a lot, is that it hurts.
    That’s really good news, isn’t it? It doesn’t hurt your Golden Brother, not in ways he acknowledges. He’s living in the Kingdom of Unreality, and you’re not. You can do something about it, and he can’t.
    Does it hurt less when you’re not around him? It hurts less when I don’t contact my brother. It took me a lot of contact with him to realize he’s invested his very life in denying the anguish of his childhood– at my expense. It hurts because I love him. And though it hurts less when I don’t contact him, it doesn’t mean I love him less.
    I think you love your brother. I think the closer the contact with him, the harder its going to be to feel your love for him because he’s doing things to hurt you now, in real time. Protect your love for him by staying away from him. You’re right; he can’t help himself, but you can help yourself. You don’t deserve to be called a greatest failure, by him or your mother. Let it hurt in peace until it doesn’t hurt any more. Don’t deny that it hurts– that’s what they do.
    That’s what I’m trying to say! Yataa! I got it!
    Your friend,
    Vic Tori

  3. Excellent point Vic!

    Yes, I do love my brother. If I didn’t, he wouldn’t have any power to hurt me. Yes it does hurt that he is so heavily stuck in denial and treats me the way he does, even though I think he does it only because that was how he was trained to treat me by NM. He truly isn’t aware of the effect of his behavior and I don’t think he can help himself. His telling me that NM sees me as her greatest failure is truly abusive on his part. What child wants to be told that their parents see them as a failure, no matter what stage in life the parent and child happen to be at? I wonder how he would feel if I told him that NM thought he was an even bigger failure than I was?

    I am currently no contact to very very limited contact with my brother. Back when I told him my truths six months ago, I was really hoping he would be able to accept them and we would still be able to have a relationship. His recent behavior has proven to me that any perceived understanding I had from him was not genuine and that I am best going no contact for now. Sweet Violet told me that she went no contact with her golden child brother until she was truly apathetic about him, and didn’t care if she had contact with him or not. She chose not to have contact with him anymore. I think that may also be my best approach right now. Truly, I’ve been happiest in my life during the times when I have had very little, if any, contact with my family.

    One of the things my brother told me during our 2 hour phone conversation was that I needed to “just get over it” and I “should have figured it out 20 years ago”. It’s not possible for me to “just get over it” when I keep getting exposed to it by my family and my choice of life partners. My best course of action is to separate from all the entities that keep exposing me to abusive behavior, so I can work on myself the way I need to and so that I can move forward and create the life for myself that I always should have had.

    Stephen Bach

  4. Pingback: Please Come Back, Mr. Scapegoat! | The Narcissist's Son

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