Fill ‘er Up!

I realize I haven’t posted in a while.  I do have many more topics I’d like to cover, but I’ve been quite busy with the holidays and a computer that went to silicon heaven.

One thought I have had recently is the gas station attendant.   Let me explain:

One of the key dynamics in my relationship with narcissists is that I gave them the power to abuse me.  If I didn’t give them that power, they wouldn’t be able to abuse me.  Sure they could still make attempts to discount, devalue, project, triangulate, etc, but if I just laugh it all off, they have no power over me.  When I take what they say to heart and actually let it affect me, then I am giving them power to dictate how I should live my life, and I am assuming a role that they desperately desire me to fulfill.  Once I stop giving them that power, their attempts at control seem like the juvenile antics that they truly are.  Furthermore, if I laugh at their attempts to control me, they will very quickly become frustrated and will leave me because I have shown them that I am not a reliable source of Narcissistic Supply (NS).

This is where the gas station attendant comes into play.  If my narcissist told me that I was “useless” and “no one would put up with you”, would *I* let their comments hurt me?  Would I let those poisonous arrows from my parent, significant other or child find their mark?  Now if the gas station attendant told me that I was “useless” etc, how would I feel?  Would I immediately become defensive?  Would I take what they said to heart and walk out to my car feeling dejected and useless?  Hardly.  I would most likely laugh at them or roll my eyes at them and walk out to my car without ever giving it another thought.  The gas station attendant has no power over me, because I haven’t given them that power.  Their attempts at control are futile because I don’t let them have control.   The only way I can be controlled is if I permit someone to control me.  This is true for all my relationships, be they with the gas station attendant or my narcissistic mother.

This is why the narcissist reserves their most brutal abuse for those closest to them.  Those closest to them are the ones that have given their power over to the narcissist and are most affected by the narcissists attempts to control.   People that are not emotionally close to the narcissist will not respond to the narcissists attempts at control.  The narcissist knows this, so their objective is to build an emotional connection that permits the narcissist to attempt to assume control.  The narcissist builds this emotional connection during the whirlwind initial phase of a romantic relationship, or through fear / obligation / guilt in an unchosen relationship.  Once the narcissist feels they have established the necessary connection, they will start to test me.  They are trying to see how much I will tolerate.  This is when those first red flags show up.  You know, the ones I ignored.  The narcissist was testing me.  Eventually they will even be smug about it.  When I continue to behave as they demand and tolerate their abuse, they will lose whatever respect they may have had for me and it will be a game to them to see what they can get away with before I at least threaten to end the relationship.

I have several examples of this type of behavior from my last relationship with my cheating ex-girlfriend.   One example was during the worst fight we ever had, which occurred about 4 months before her cheating incident when I ended our relationship.  We didn’t live together, and she was always very set on us having a “schedule” of times that we would see each other.   I always felt I had to ask permission if I was to dare not fulfill my “obligation” to her schedule.   She would become extremely upset if for some reason we had to break from her schedule for any reason.   I had a friend who I had not seen in a very long time who was going to be in town.  I was hoping to see him during one of our “scheduled” together times.  She strongly urged that I see my friend during a time when I had placement of my daughter and that I should get a babysitter for my daughter so I could see my friend and not take away from her and my scheduled time together.  In her mind, I should give up time with my daughter before I was to give up time with her in order to see my friend – a definite red flag.  This conversation occurred in the  bedroom at her house with us both sitting on the bed.  She was absolutely insisting that I could not see my friend unless it was during a time that I arranged for a sitter during the time I had my daughter.  Frustrated, I stood up and put on my jacket and said “I don’t like where this relationship is going” and started to walk out of the bedroom.  She literally turned ON A DIME and told me that she would be happy to work out a time when I could see my friend and whatever I could make work was fine with her and she would accommodate.  I never did end up seeing my friend.  Looking back, the entire episode was a test.  She was testing how much control she had over me.  Once I showed her that there was a limit and that I was considering ending the relationship if this was how it was going to be, she immediately backed down.

Going back to our gas station attendant:   It’s possible that the gas station attendant has NPD and his coworkers hate him and his family can’t stand to be around him, but since I have no emotional connection to him and he knows it, he is unlikely to use his typical tactics to manipulate me.  Additionally, he has little to be gained through his manipulation of me.  From my chair, since we have no emotional connection, anything he does or says will be meaningless to me unless it’s physical in nature.

For me, the trick is to treat those poisonous arrows from the narcissists in my life like they were emanating from attendant at the gas station.

Stephen Bach

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The Longest Journey

My kitchen is all ripped up with the floor being replaced, so I’ve been having to go out to eat every night this week.  I really don’t like going out to eat every night, but my daughter doesn’t seem to mind.  Last night we went to McDonald’s.  Tonight I took my daughter to the Chinese buffet so she could load up on her favorite, Teriyaki chicken.

Of course at the end of the meal the obligatory fortune cookies were handed out with the check.

Here’s what mine said:

How very true!  Learning who I truly am and why I am that way has been by far the longest and most painful journey I have ever taken.   Peeling back the onion on 4+ decades of my existence has taken me to places I never thought I would go, but it’s definitely been well  worth it.

Now if they would just finish my kitchen floor!

Stephen Bach

Hope and Change

I’ve come to realize through some emails that I’ve received and some responses to my posts just how difficult it is for people to go no contact, even though they know that continued interaction is detrimental to their well being.  I know how hard it is to truly go no contact, whether it’s with family or a chosen relationship.  I tried no contact with NM and failed several times, and every time I decided to give NM one more chance things became even worse.

In my opinion when I still try to maintain some sort of contact with my narcissist, I am still holding out hope that things will change.

Hope and change… sound familiar?

I’m still holding out hope that somehow somewhere someway the narcissists in my life will suddenly say: “Oh My God!  I’m so so sorry I’ve treated you so poorly all these years!  What can I do to make it up to you?”.

Honestly, is that ever going to happen?

Will my NM ever admit she was completely wrong about me?

Is she even capable of making that admission?

Is she capable of offering me a true, sincere apology?

Let’s see, I’ve been on this rock for over four decades, and I have a hard time ever remembering NM apologizing about ANYTHING, even if she was dead wrong.  But still I somehow expect that someday she will change when I have 4+ decades of evidence that she won’t?  I continue to hold out hope that she will suddenly see my truth?  Am I not distorting reality to suit my own goals?  The only way I see contact with my narcissists not being detrimental to me is when I am totally apathetic about what they say to me and how they treat me.  If I no longer give them power over me (yes, it’s me that gives them that power), then what they say won’t matter and I will be disgusted at how foolish their 5 yr old tantrum behavior truly is.

Another realization I’ve made is that any interaction with a narcissistic can be used against me, no matter how innocent that interaction might seem.  My narcissist mom (NM) was the queen of that exact exchange.  My very last conversation with her was two days after I ended my relationship with my ex girlfriend because my ex had informed me I had been exposed to an STD because she had been cheating on me.  I had been seeing my ex for nearly 4 years, and she had met NM several times.  I told NM that we had broken up.  NM, sensing another failure on my part, pushed for details.  I didn’t want to tell her anything.  Finally, with more prying on her part, I offered that my ex had been unfaithful to me.  NM’s response?  “These things wouldn’t happen to you if you didn’t have premarital sex”.  No offer of empathy or understanding, just another chance for her to condemn my life and a further example of her position of “if you had done things my way, this wouldn’t have happened to you”.  Premarital sex has nothing to do with commitment, but that’s not NM’s view of the world.  Married people cheat on each other every day, but that doesn’t work with NM’s distorted view of reality, so she chooses to ignore that fact.

My point here is this:  These people are not normal.  I think this is an area where I have failed.  I have made the assumption that my narcissists were truly empathetic like I am.  They most definitely are not.  I believed that they truly cared about me.  The most definitely do not.  They lie to everyone including themselves and believe their own lies.  They are masters of spin and will take any small tidbit of information you provide and distort it to make you look bad.  Even something as simple as talking about the weather can be spun to make me look bad.

Here’s an example phone conversation:

NM:  So how’s the weather where your are?

Stephen:  It’s been pretty cold. I can’t wait for summer to get here.

NM distorts this IN HER MIND as:  Obviously Stephen has issues with it being cold where he lives.  If he had picked a decent career and his worthless partner didn’t spend all his money, he could move to someplace warmer, or at least take a vacation to a warm climate.

Did I ever say I wanted to move or take a vacation?  No, I was only highlighting that it was cold and I was hoping for summer to get here soon, but NM distorted what I said in her mind. So even asking about the weather can be spun to make me look inferior in her mind.  It’s crazy!.  Any tidbit of information I provide will be distorted and used against me.  The best option: Provide zero information, which is what no contact is all about.  They will continue to spin and manufacture their version of reality, but with no information to go on, eventually they will run out of anything to distort. Continued contact provides additional information that can be used against me, no matter how benign I feel the conversation might be.  Yes, even my agreeing that the sky is blue can be twisted and distorted into something bad about me.

One other point I’d like to make:  As long as I continue in some form of contact, they know that they are getting away with their behavior and that I will continue to “take it”.  I prove to them that they can treat me however they want to and I’ll put up with it.  Even with limited contact, they know that eventually they can pull out the FOGger (Fear / Obligation / Guilt) and bring me back in line.  If I am the one that always offers the olive branch, the one that tries to maintain the relationship, the one that always fixes things, the one that swallows my truth in order to maintain the relationship, then I prove to them that I am continuing to fulfill my scapegoat / caretaker role, which is EXACTLY where they want me to be.

It’s said that when all else fails there’s always hope.  The man on death row waiting for his execution has hope that the phone will ring and the governor will let him live.  People buy lottery tickets with the hope that they will all of the sudden become rich, even though they have a better chance of being struck by lightning than they do of winning the lottery.  When I continue to engage the narcissists in my life, I am HOPING that at some point they will be able to see my point of view.  I have no factual evidence that they will ever even be interested in understanding my point of view, but I keep engaging them anyway with the HOPE that someday the dark clouds will part and I will be valued as a true equal and will be respected.  It’s not going to happen.  Repeat.  It’s not going to happen.  No one but me has any interest in me being seen as a worthy individual and an equal partner.  In fact, my being seen as a worthy individual is exactly contrary to their goals.  If all of the sudden they have to accept that I’m not some horrible scapegoat monster and that I am worthy of respect, then that means that they were wrong about me.  So I ask you, is a narcissist ever wrong?  Do they ever apologize?  Yet I still continue in that hope that maybe someday the governor will call.

Stephen Bach

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