One comment on “Fill ‘er Up!

  1. Interesting thought. Apparently we differ a lot in this regard, because yes were the gas station attendant to disapprove i would obsess over it and be hurt about it for years. In fact i can recall similar moments. I wonder why its not like this for you? (And good for you!)

    I also find theres more to it than just attempting to retrain yourself to think of your family of origin as gas station attendants. You see you dont spent time with unpleasant gas station attendants unless absolutely necessary, meaning usually its restricted to you know filling your cars tank with gas and then being a good citizen and pay for it. In good cases (ours both are good in that regard) you dont need to spend time with your family of origin at all much like youd never call up the gas station attendant were he to be fired.

    So wheres the struggle? Why does our FOO still haunt us years after we went NC? I think neurobiology has given rather interesting answers there. We social species with underdeveloped offspring are hard wired to intuitively know we need parental support to survive for the first few years of our live. Them abandoning us leads to an almost certain physical death in nature and in society to an almost certain social death (physical death is also a fairly likely outcome). This is a mere survival instinct. Thus we give them the power because we have to. We are hard wired to take their behaviour and to consider it normal and healthy and save. Its not just training its also our neurology making us susceptible to this training, overriding otherwise well reasoned responses to abuse.

    We miss their rucola because our brains dictates that the past was a good time and since we spent the past with them we can reproduce the “good” “childhood” moments by spending time with them. Overcoming parental abuse and neglect means you need to overcome a survival instinct which simply is not at play with the gas station attendant. Every time you work on relearning healthy emotional management (you know boundary drawing, talking about your needs, expressing empathy, compromising…) theres a part of you very convinced you are killing yourself. For me this is far more difficult to deal with than my families antics.

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