6 comments on “Make the World Go Away

  1. This is good. I was (sadly) nodding as I read through this one. Been there – done ALL that! I used to apologize for apologizing…. 🙂 Hurray for awareness so that we can keep working on improving and learning to love ourselves!!!

  2. I clearly remember the same as you experienced. Until one day when I was about 8 years old I said sorry and as usual she would respond with “You are not sorry”. So this one day I decided I that enough was enough and I refused to apologise again for anything I did wrong. I then became known as being stubborn because I would not apologise! So stubborn became my middle name and it was about 3 years later that I finally started to say sorry. I would say that I would only apologise for anything that was my fault, but I would be lying, I too needed to make the world go away.

    • Hi lphoenix!

      I agree, it was a damned if I do, damned if I don’t scenario. If I apologized, I didn’t do it right or my apology was insufficient. If I didn’t apologize, I’m insensitive and inconsiderate. It doesn’t matter what I did, it was wrong. This pattern leads to the feeling of “walking on eggshells” that is so predominant when involved with an abuser. I basically would say / do / think whatever I was told to in order not to “upset” my abuser and hopefully thereby avoid another abusive episode. In the long run, none of my attempts worked and I eventually learned I was in an untenable situation.

      Here’s to growing and learning that apologies are required when they are required, and apologizing just to make the issue go away does no one any good.

      Stephen Bach

  3. Great post! And wonderful blog, thank you so much for sharing!
    I can relate to everything you have expressed, including analysing it all to understand and break free from old patterns and programming.
    My modus operandi used to be to say anything just to make the narcissists shut up, go away, and leave me alone, but of course doing it the way I did it meant they’d always come back for more.
    I really only stopped playing into their hands once what they were doing threatened someone I love, and potentially would have hurt them as I have been hurt. That was the game changer for me. Funny really, but typical. I could never quite convince myself to stand up for myself and protect myself. I needed a different scenario where my old coping mechanisms put someone else in danger to snap me out of the ingrained trained routine.
    We’re trained to ignore our gut instinct – part of that training is our own due to having to survive as children – but once we learn to listen to it, things change.
    Take care of yourself.

    • Thank you anupturnedsoul! And thank you for connecting and sharing your story, too!

      I can completely relate to doing or saying whatever I could just to make the abuse stop, which is at the heart of this post.

      I hear you as well that when the same thing happens to someone else that happens to us, we are infuriated, but we tolerate bad behavior without question. We don’t even give ourselves the same respect that we give some random person on the street. How sad! Unfortunately, this inability to respect ourselves even as much as we respect a total stranger is quite common with abuse survivors from my experiences. Often abuse survivors have so internalized the message that everything is their fault that it’s nearly impossible for them to see things in a different light. I think reframing our abusive situations is definitely one of keys to seeing how awful they truly are.

      I completely concur on listening to our gut. I was guilty of not listening to it for a very very long time. When I was in therapy, my therapist once asked me what my gut was telling me. I literally had no idea what it was saying. I had completely blocked it out. Now days I am doing all I can to pay attention to what it says, and you know what? It’s working 🙂

      Stephen Bach

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