Make the world go away
And get it off my shoulders
Say the things you used to say
And make the world go away
Do you over apologize? Are you saying “Sorry” before you even know what’s wrong? Are you accepting blame just to “make it go away”.
I know I have repeatedly been guilty of all of these, and, in my opinion, it’s not a good thing.
Why? Isn’t it good if someone apologizes easily? In my opinion, yes and no.
It’s good when a person who truly feels they are in the wrong admits their mistake and apologizes. On the other hand, if I apologize when I’ve done nothing wrong, it just validates the other person’s position and I’m accepting blame even though I feel as though I’ve done nothing wrong. This really becomes an issue when dealing with a narcissist. A narcissist is never wrong and will never apologize. To a narcissist, apologizing is a sign of weakness. When I apologize to a narcissist, I am showing them that I am inferior, and I, in reality, am granting them their desperately needed narcissistic supply. So if a narcissist is in need of a fix of narcissistic supply, they may go as far as to provoke a fight with me, knowing that I will eventually apologize, thereby validating themselves, gaining narcissistic supply, and making themselves feel better, all at my expense. Confusing, isn’t it?
Another perspective to over apologizing is that I was trained by my narcissistic family to not trust my gut instinct. If I trusted my gut, I would know whether I am in the wrong, or whether the person I’m confronting is in the wrong, or if we could both be wrong. If I don’t trust my gut, I will easily be swayed from my position and admit wrongdoing even though my gut is telling me I am right. This, again, plays right into the hands of the narcissist. Being masters of projection and spin, they will project the issue back onto me and spin it to make it seem as if it was my fault, even though it isn’t. My inability to trust my gut will make me believe what the narcissist is telling me and not believe my gut, allowing the narcissist to rewrite history, distort reality, and place the blame for the recent rupture on me with me ultimately accepting that blame. I internalize yet another emotional blow.
Another aspect related to over apologizing is that I was trained to do it. Why? When I am being emotionally assaulted for unjust reasons, I soon learn that saying “Sorry” and admitting blame is a way to make the issue go away. I may know I’m right, but I also know I’m in a no win situation, and one of the ways I’ve learned to make the no win situation go away is to apologize, even if my apologizing is unwarranted. My narcissistic mother could be telling me how horrible I am, and instead of either walking away or defending myself and standing up for my chosen path in life in the face of her unwinnable argument, I will apologize, in hopes that the argument will end sooner and I can be left alone. Ultimately, this does no one any good. I have reinforced my narcissist mother’s position and fed her narcissistic supply, and I’ve also “taken one for the team”, so to speak, and suffered yet another blow emotionally.
All these emotional blows add up, and, after a while, I truly start to believe that ALL the issues are my fault, when that is certainly not the case. I feel alone, confused, isolated and fearful. I feel I constantly have to walk on eggshells, because I don’t know how my behavior will be perceived and I don’t want to provoke yet another overly dramatic incident.
Stop right there. What’s wrong with this picture?
Am I not letting someone else dictate my value? Am I not handing control of my life over to someone else? Am I not living in fear? Fear of doing it wrong? Fear of failure? Fear of angering someone?
Whose fault is it that I feel this way?
I am the one that chose to put myself into these situations.
Grant it, when I was a child, I didn’t have a choice, but I’m a child no longer. I’m the one that allowed my programming from childhood to dictate my life for the next two plus decades. I’m the one that refused to stand up for myself, refused to trust my gut instincts and refused to establish good boundaries. I refused to love myself the way I wanted myself to be loved. And if I refused to love myself, why would anyone else truly love me? Why would an emotionally healthy person be with someone who doesn’t even love themselves? THIS is why I kept getting attached to significant others that had issues with personality disorders in my adult life. I didn’t find myself lovable, and I attached myself to people who (like my narcissistic mother) were incapable of loving me, thereby mirroring my own self perception that I was unlovable back to me.
It’s very difficult to accept that I have never experienced a healthy love relationship; that I have sought out partners to replicate my childhood environment in the hopes that perhaps I might get it “right” this time, when it’s not possible for it to be made “right”. It’s also very hard to admit that I was just as emotionally deficient as the personality disordered partners to whom I attached myself during my adult life. The dynamic between the narcissist and the codependent requires both players in order to function. This is why the narcissist and codependent are literally magnets for each other. The codependent feels that if someone doesn’t like them, then it is their fault, and they need to try harder. This plays right into the narcissist’s hands, who reinforces this mindset by telling the codependent that they aren’t doing enough or trying hard enough.
There’s only one person that can “Make the World Go Away”, and that person is me.