9 comments on “If it’s Abuse, it’s Abuse

  1. I do think it goes both ways. I believe my dad suffered much abuse from my mom for almost 50 years. I think it’s overlooked with men and women both though-at least for myself.

    • Hi Robby,

      I do agree, it does go both ways, and it is overlooked both ways. I’m sorry that your dad had to go through 50 years of abuse from your mother. I’m sure that made for a very challenging childhood environment. What do you think he could have done differently? What would have happened if he had stood up to your mother?

      I hope you are well and that no contact is going OK for you. I know it’s hard, but in my experience, the longer you stick with it, the better life becomes.

      Stephen Bach

  2. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    this video didn’t surprise me, there are so many misconceptions surrounding domestic violence against men and women. Unfortunately I don’t think the first scenerio plays out like that 90% of the time either. I know a woman who was dragged down the street in downtown Vanc and no one stepped in. One time JC was slapping me around while driving and a car with a couple of guys cut us off and threatened him. The only other people that ever stepped in were both women. None the less the video has a good message.

    • Hi Carrie,

      Thanks for the reblog!

      I agree, abuse is overlooked in many many situations. I think there is a societal definition of abuse, and what constitutes abuse is defined by societal norms. What is defined as abuse in the US or Canada may not be the same as what is defined as abuse in China or Saudi Arabia. Furthermore what is defined as abuse in Chicago, Illinois may not be the same as what is defined as abuse in Bismarck, South Dakota. This video was made in the UK by a group that is trying to raise awareness of female on male abuse, so they have a definite motive with the video.

      As you say, none the less, it does provide a good message that abuse is abuse, no matter who the perpetrators and victims are.

      Stephen Bach

  3. The part that really struck me wasn’t the lack of stepping in when the woman was the abuser, but the actual amusement on people’s faces. I agree that maybe people stepping in to aid the woman isn’t always the case, but notice the expressions on the witnesses faces! When the man was the aggressor they all looked concerned – whether they acted or not. When the woman was the aggressor – they mostly looked entertained.
    There have been comments on other sites where I was made to feel that my childhood wasn’t “that” bad because I wasn’t constantly beaten. But is there really a difference that way either? I was only beaten once a year – mostly it was emotional abuse – so it isn’t “really” abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Matters not who is the perpetrator, who is the victim, nor how it is done.
    Thank you for sharing!

    • Hi Megan!

      I agree, it was striking in the video how people thought it was funny when the woman was attacking the man. This is actually a theme throughout society that you can find in movies, etc. A man says or does something the woman sees as “deserving” so she slaps / kicks / pushes him and it’s seen as funny or as the woman being assertive.

      I completely hear you on the perspective that people may have that abuse isn’t “that bad” unless it’s physical. It seems to be a common theme. I think this is especially true with men, because many men are taught that it’s not abuse unless they see the knife handle sticking out of their chest. Like you, I never was subjected to much physical abuse as a child, although it’s possible some of it I may have blocked out. What was prevalent every day for me as a child was emotional abuse.

      I agree, abuse is abuse is abuse, whether physical, emotional, or otherwise. I would like to think that if I had been heavily physically abused as a child, I would have known that my parents were wrong to abuse me in such ways and I would have made all the necessary connections sooner. It’s impossible for me to say, because I did not walk in those shoes. Since my environment was mostly emotional abuse, I was left dumbfounded, constantly living in fear, and walking on eggshells while being made to believe my being abused was my fault because I didn’t measure up. This is the same mindset that people that are physically abused will fall into, the “I deserved it” mentality; they swallow the message of their physical abuser when their abuser tells them “look what you made me do!”.

      Thanks for your comment, Megan!

      Stephen Bach

      • One more thought, Megan:

        Someone that is telling you that your situation wasn’t that bad because you were not exposed to certain types of abuse on a regular basis is attempting to devalue your experiences. They haven’t walked in your shoes, so they have no idea how much damage was done. In my opinion, someone that would devalue someone else’s experience is stuck in the victim mentality with a mindset that “no one had it as bad as I did”.

        The net result of all abuse is the same, whether it be physical, emotional, sexual, or otherwise. All abuse leaves scars that can take a lifetime or more to address.

        Stephen Bach

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