5 comments on “10 Relationship Red Flags

  1. This list was very accurate for years into the relationship. In the beginning though none of these red flags were flying, some of them I didn’t even know about until the relationship was over. That is the thing about narcissists or psychopaths, they are such good actors by the time you see the red flags you are in too deep to avoid the damage they cause. Actually now my red flags are almost the opposite of this list.

    • That’s an interesting viewpoint, Carrie. I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Yes, a narcissist or a psychopath can be a fantastic actor and extremely charismatic, but in my experience, there is always something amiss. I also think that those of us that find ourselves entangled with someone toxic also seldom even know what to look for in those situations. We are so well trained by our past to overlook bad behavior that the red flags don’t even register.

      In my recent dating experience, I have had several women that showed a very high tolerance for bad behavior in past relationships and also many that were trying to advance our relationship much more quickly than I wanted to advance it. They were so accustomed to love bombing that when I didn’t love bomb them they felt there was something very wrong and that I wasn’t interested. I don’t subscribe to the concept of “love at first sight”. It’s not possible to truly love someone without spending significant time with them. Love at first sight is all about physical attraction. I believe physical attraction is important, but I also believe that it is only a small piece of what makes a healthy relationship.

      Thanks for your input!

      Stephen

  2. One of the best warning signs is intense speed. If the relationship moves fast and with emotional intensity (even what might feel positive), take it as a warning sign and slow down. If the thought of slowing down causes any insecure or fearful feelings, something is definitely wrong.

    • Excellent point PJ’s! If the two of you are moving in together in the first 2 months, that’s definitely a warning sign.

      Similarly, if there is a lot of pressure to move the relationship forward faster than necessary (i.e. push for additional symbols of commitment like marriage, etc) that is definitely a warning sign in my opinion.

      Thanks for your input!

      Stephen

  3. I am searching through your site, because my husband is an adult survivor of two narcissistic parents. I am reading your posts hoping I can better understand some of his trauma and relate better to what he is processing. I noticed on this post you have listed “Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. If there is something “off” about this person that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they’re telling you. Often, in the throes of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new “beloved” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear these people out.

    Controlling behavior. Similarly, a partner may attempt to “divide and conquer,” driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to them. Sometimes, they may make you choose them over significant others as an expression of “love.””

    I wonder being as you are a son of a narcissist, have you not had these two situations used in manipulation to keep control over you and undermine a relationship with someone who genuinely loved you?

    These two things have been used by the whole pack of flying monkeys and the Queen B herself, they all hated me, because I supported his individuality from the pack and gave him freedom to be himself. Then when I lead him to resources that educated him on setting healthy boundaries that blew up like a nuclear bomb at Christmas and lead to him having to follow through with cutting off contact with his mother, I was accused of being controlling and jealous and that I had won, I had stole him away from his family.

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