7 comments on “I’ll Pray for You

    • Hi Robby!

      I hope you are well and that you have continued to find strength to deal with your family in a healthy fashion.

      The “I’ll pray for you” is essentially the ultimate weapon in narcissistic abuse, in my opinion. Praying for us means that we are viewed as lost sheep and the narcissist is calling on a higher power to redirect us onto the correct (their) path. Praying also brings the ultimate flying monkey into the equation: God. Calling on God takes abuse to the spiritual level, inferring that we are somehow inferior to them spiritually; that we are on the ‘wrong’ path; that we are going to hell if we don’t change our ways.

      A staple of Christianity is that no one has power to judge except for God. Unfortunately, this tenet of Christianity is completely lost on most Christians, in my opinion. Most feel the need to judge others, to the point where they can hardly stop themselves from being judgemental. Furthermore, calling on God brings the abuse into a world of belief systems that can’t be substantiated. “You don’t believe what I believe, so therefore you are wrong, and will be damned.” We have no ability to refute such spiritual beliefs, however askew they might be, and when we attempt to, we are told that we are blasphemous.

      One last piece of calling on God is that it absolves the narcissist of any blame. Throwing the problem into God’s hands is a way of shirking the responsibility of working towards a resolution. “I place you in God’s hands, I can’t help you”.

      Best wishes on your continued healing journey, Robby, and thanks for stopping by and commenting!

      Stephen

  1. Stephen Bach,

    I don’t know why but my mom is the exact same way. Now that you explained a bit better . I came to understand that she has been trying to control my sense of worthiness , trying to define my worth.

    its been almost 6 months without contacting her. I don’t answer her phone calls because I know that its only to find out personal information to go spread it out there changing the everything into some negative information.

    She wants everybody to know how bad I am and how she never thought id become the girl I have become. Constantly underlining every fault not recognizing my achievements , nothing positive. I feel sorry for her because she’s not away that some people started noticing her personality disorder. Im happy to know that im not alone .

    Lately she started gossiping with my sister about me. how much of a whore I am, its just soo sick. my sister doenst realize that she should not engage in such talks about her own sister. I started to realize that I might be filling the function of a scapegoat. it really hurts .

    • I’m sorry Stralende. Yes it does hurt. It really hurts. It hurt to come to the realization that I was merely a tool to be manipulated to bring glory to my mother. It hurt to realize that I had spent my entire life as a scapegoat for my family, shouldering the blame for all the family’s failures. It hurt to realize that I had never known healthy, nurturing love in my entire life. I know how hard it is, Stralende, and I’m very sorry that you would have to endure such pain. I wouldn’t wish such pain on anyone.

      The “whore” card: My mother liked to play that one, too. She had all boys, so it wasn’t directed at her boys, but it was directed at any girlfriend of significance my brothers or I had growing up. She literally called my deceased brother’s girlfriend of 2 years a whore to her face (she was 17). My girlfriend that I had my senior year of high school was called a whore loud enough that my girlfriend heard it over the phone. The ironic part? My mother had never even met my girlfriend! You’re right, your sister shouldn’t be participating in such conversations. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know any better. She’s only fulfilling her role as defined by your mother.

      I can completely empathize with your mother showing a spotlight on your faults and turning the lights out on your achievements. My mother does exactly the same thing. Once you’ve been split black, there’s no going back. Not matter how good of a person I am or how successful I am, my mother will always paint me black. I believe this is because a narcissist is never wrong. If she was to admit that I am not as horrible as the picture she paints of me, she would have to admit that she was wrong about me, and that is something she absolutely cannot and will not do.

      It is validating when other’s notice how dysfunctional my mother is. Just about any person who has come into contact with her for any period of time knows she’s a monster. When I was in high school, my friends wouldn’t come to my house because of how my parents would treat me / them. I have had people tell me anecdotes of my mother’s behavior once they find out that I am no contact with my family that are truly embarrassing.

      It’s great that you found the strength to go and stay no contact. In my opinion, NC is the best approach to take for a narcissistic family. As you mentioned, any contact you make will be somehow spun and used against you. The only way to heal from their abuse is to avoid it altogether.

      Best wishes to you on your healing journey, Stralende, and thank you for stopping by and commenting.

      Stephen

  2. Hugs Stephen… I’m shaking my head because some things are really hard to understand coming from a mother.
    Keep being a blender, you are the best at it 🙂

    • Thanks Paola.

      It is mind boggling how a mother could treat her own child in such a manner, isn’t it? I think, for a long time, I had blocked out much of my mother’s behavior, because it would be so horrific to accept her behavior for what it was and to accept how damaged I was because of her behavior

      I’d much rather be a blender. They’re much more fun 🙂

      Stephen

      • I guess I’m really lucky having a mother that puts us (her kids), always first (and I’m 42!!). We even criticize her for that, it’s too much sometimes 🙂

        Next time you decide to produce Margaritas, have one for me, cheers and hugs!!

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