My mother called again on Thanksgiving day. Again I did not answer. I have been no contact (NC) with my mother since May of 2013. She has figured out that I don’t want anything to do with her, but she has no idea why. Why should she have any idea? She’s treating me the same way she always has, I’m the one that is responding differently. I can envision how it must be confusing for her.
She left a rather lengthy message, much of which was typical small talk about what she was doing for her holiday and what was happening in her life. She never even asked about my daughter (her grand daughter).
At the very end, in her oh-so-very-typical-drop-the-bombshell-on-the-way-out-the-door fashion, she said the following:
“I hope that someday you’re going to be the son I always wanted. I’ll pray for you”.
I don’t think she could have summed up her entire narcissistic approach to me in a more succinct fashion. The first sentence is textbook narcissistic parent, and it’s loaded. In one brief statement, she says how her vision for me was more important than my vision for me when she says I’m not the son that “she wanted”. Her statement also clearly says that she perceives me as a failure. She’s also conveying that she owns the script for my life and I don’t have any say in it. A healthy and supportive parent encourages a child to use their talents to be whomever they want to be. A controlling, narcissistic parent assesses a child’s worthiness and potential as if they were some sort of kitchen appliance, and then demands that the child follow the parents’ prescribed path for them. If my narcissistic mother envisions me a toaster and her role for me is to make toast every morning, she will be horribly upset and see me as a failure when I decide to be a blender and make margaritas every night.
I’ll pray for you.
Pray for what, exactly?
Pray that a superior being suddenly works magic in me so that I cast off the person I am so I can become the person that she envisions? Pray that I will someday realize that her wisdom and insight are superior to mine and return to worshipping her? Pray that I will become reengaged in her version of hyper conservative and judgemental christianity? I’m not sure what she’s praying for, but it’s all irrelevant.
You know what, mom? I’ll pray for you, too. I’ll pray that someday you will see that I AM a worthy son. I’ll pray that someday it won’t be all about you and your image. I’ll pray that someday you will realize how damaged you are, and take steps to mitigate that damage and the relationships that have been destroyed by that damage. I’ll pray that someday you will become the loving, nurturing mother that every child deserves.
Have I offered any of those prayers?
No. It’s pointless. All hope is gone.