27 comments on “Wine, Women, and Song (and other deletions)

    • Possibly, if I don’t manage to pull through this sooner or later. I’d rather try to dig myself out of it first. I don’t think I’m truly depressed, it’s more a situational issue.

  1. Hi Stephen, I have fallen upon your site as my brother and I have narcissistic parents. At the age of 45, we were finally able to let go once we realized they have this disorder and it is not our fault. Do not let your mother distort who you are now, life is long and anti depressants are great to get you back. Creativity is a huge healer and will make you happy, it’s just taking that first step. Easier said than done. I hate to read you are in a rut but it happens to most creative deep people actually anyway! Force yourself to put one step in front of the other, get out – seclusion is NOT healthy. You write beautifully and are brave and in touch with your deeper soul to have put up the site but don’t be trapped there. Don’t be a victim, or she has won and you have lost. Im very nervous of writing to a stranger but felt compelled this once

    • Hi Kerry, and welcome!

      I’m sorry that you had narcissistic parents. It’s not a fate I would ever wish on anyone. Kudos to you for letting go of your denial and facing the truth! Many are unable to do that.

      I am trying to stay conscious of where I am emotionally. It’s not a great place, but it’s not terrible either. I haven’t completely shut down. I still go to work every day and still spend much quality time with my daughter, I just don’t do much else. If it gets to a point where I start missing work or start to ignore my daughter when we have time together, then I will seek out anti-depressants.

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m always humbled when others are touched by my story and my writing.

      And please, feel free to comment away! That’s what this blog is here for! I may not always have time to respond right away, but there are others here, too, that are certainly willing to help and offer support.

      Thank you for connecting, Kerry, and best wishes on you and your brother’s healing journey!

      Stephen

  2. Thoughts and prayers are with you! Stephen you a kind, sweet, compassionate person. You are strong and you will get through this. Focus on your daughter who loves you and needs you. Give her what you didn’t have as a child. Make memories for her!

    1 Peter 5:6-7
    5-6 And God will exalt you in due time, if you humble yourselves under his mighty hand 7 by casting all your cares on him because he cares for you.

  3. Stephen,
    Hang in man. Sometimes we get so locked into an identity that we go thru extreme frustration when that identity changes. Looking from the outside, I’m thinking he’s getting some good sleep which is one if the best things for health bc of the biological processes that happen when we sleep. I hope you don’t sell those guitars bc I believe that creativity is still in there. In fact I think this time for you will be fodder for a huge creative period to come. My hope for you is that you will be compassionate with yourself…at least as much as you would be to the average person on the street. You bless many with this blog. Al

    • Thanks Al, I certainly appreciate the support!

      Yes, the huge change in my identity is the part that seems to be the most difficult. I’m still a dad, but that’s about it. I’m also an engineer, but frankly, the longer I’m away from alcohol and smoking, the more I despise being an engineer. I’ve never really liked being an engineer all that much. While my job is creative, it doesn’t nearly stimulate my creativity enough to keep me from being regularly bored at work. Perhaps the alcohol was a way to hide my dislike for my engineering career? There’s also the part that being an engineer was one of the few ‘acceptable’ professions in my family of origin. One could either be a doctor or an engineer, possibly a lawyer.

      That said, switching jobs at this point is not really in the cards, though. One advantage / disadvantage of being an engineer is that I’m quite well compensated, which also means I pay a bunch of money in child support for my daughter. The courts would not let me reduce my child support obligation just because I wanted to pursue a new career and take a huge pay cut, so in that regard, I’m rather stuck.

      Thanks for your comments, Al, and best wishes on your healing journey!

      Stephen

  4. Oh Stephen… My heart is aching right now. I can identify with losing interest for everything that was important to you once. I also had not desire to leave the house so I stayed inside for about one year leaving only to go to the supermarket (if I couldn’t avoid it). I have no idea what could work for you but the only thing that gave me some kind of joy at the time (and kept me quite sane), was playing Words with Friends and chatting occasionally with the players (at the time I felt that nobody who knew me could understand me). Depression sucks. Let me know if I can do anything for you 🙂

    • Thanks Paola. It’s been tough. I’m sorry that you had to endure a year long depression, too, but I’m glad that you managed to pull through!

      As, always you comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated!

      Stephen

  5. Stephen,

    I’m no mental health professional, but if that isn’t depression then I don’t know what is. I am truly sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I’m not going to try to give advice or “there, there, chin up man!”-type statements. I’ve never been through what you’re feeling so I can’t even remark on it. Just know that a lot of people here care about you and want the best for you.

    Kind regards,
    Clint

    • Hi Clint,

      Thanks for your support. I appreciate it very much!

      I don’t think I’m really depressed, more just going through a difficult phase, which is accompanied by depression symptoms. I have good days and bad days right now, but they aren’t all bad, thankfully 🙂

      Thanks for your kind sentiments, Clint, and best wishes on your continued healing journey.

      Stephen

  6. Oh, gosh, Stephen. You’ve lost your “best friend.” No wonder you’re feeling depressed. Whether or not medication would help is between you and your doctor, but it’s an easy guess that you need time for your body and mind to adjust to a new landscape. Stay open to new experiences. Maybe not a motorcycle but maybe yes a sketchbook? Take long walks. Explore new territory (have you been to Butte, Montana? Quite an interesting history between there and Deer Lodge). You’ll be ok. Time heals this one.
    Much encouragement from
    Denise

  7. Hey stephen, are you framing your DUI in such a way that it’s not helping you? Are motorcycles really gone forever from your life? Why? I understand why at the moment, but what about with a year of good behavior? You crashed, you were treated and released from the hospital, yes? Someone called for help, and this led to the police and a DUI, yes? But you’re not a quad (I work with quadrapalegics not infrequently.) You made a mistake. Does this mean you’re not allowed to partake in music anymore? I mean, I get that the urge to partake in music right now is missing, but is this in part due to how you’re framing this mess in your life? It’s a problem. You’re an engineer. Problem solve. I get that you are depressed, but dude, don’t feed it. You don’t know where that ends. Seriously. Take care of yourself, and by that, I think I mean face this mess down for what it is and what it is not. It cannot possibly mean the end to women for you. You have more sensitivity, intelligence, honesty, and talent than most men will ever know. You are a gift, to us, your readers, and you certainly will be a gift to the right woman some day. I can’t help but think you are judging this event in your life from the point of view of your narcissistic, sick family who would love nothing more than to kick you when you’re down. Are you kicking yourself when you’re down? Also, I know people are going to hate me for saying this, but ARE you an alcoholic? If you get a DUI, it clearly means you exercised poor judgement. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend drinking in your current state, but you have to know the truth of who you are and only you know that. Not me, not us. Don’t let other people assign an identity to you. I am one of the readers who has reached out to you personally, and I will continue to do so. You are not alone in the world. This counts. Everything counts in large amounts, especially when you have almost nothing. Your readership, me, we count as caring connections for you in the world. A world, I might add, you created (this blog.) Because that’s how powerful you are, dude. Get up and face this mess.

  8. You sound depressed. I hope you can find help and find your way through. Please don’t sell your creative tools. The worst time to make drastic moves is when you’re in crisis. This too shall pass.

  9. Wow! Thank you for all your kind sentiments!

    It seems the picture I’ve painted with this post is not entirely accurate. While I am suffering some depression type symptoms, I wouldn’t call myself depressed. I plan to write a follow up post about all the good things that are happening in my life right now.

    Stay tuned 🙂

    Stephen

  10. Whether it is depression – or just an adjustment – we are all here for you! I am glad that this blog is NOT one of the things that got crossed off of the list!!!
    Looking forward to hearing about the good stuff happening for you. 😀

    Megan

    • Thanks for your kind sentiments, Megan! That means a lot to me.

      I never really intended to stop posting as part of all this. If anything, it will show more of my journey through abuse recovery. Who knows, it may prove very helpful for others to find validation when they find themselves in a similar situation; struggling with addictions after a lifetime of abuse.

      I’ll be sure to keep posting all the good stuff, too 😉

      Stephen

  11. Pingback: Smile, it’s Not all Bad :) | The Narcissist's Son

  12. it might help if you link the new blog (smile) into this blog post directly so people are aware of it before reading through all the comments 😉

    kind regards from someone who lost a lost of passions too. i need this down time to discover who i am. thats the way i planned it and id like to think it works. may whatever you are planning and working on in regard to your changed life work as well.

    • Good point, Stranger, I edited the post to add a link to the new post.

      Thanks for your encouragement and kind sentiments. They are greatly appreciated! I’m slowly formulating a plan of where to go from here. Still not sure on all the details. It’s not going to help that I get to start the first 6 months or so without a driver’s license! :-/

      Stephen

  13. Its good to hear you are moving forward. By now I have two tentative projects that would occupy me substantially which is a very weird thought indeed. Its all in an embryo stage and I try hard not to be too hopeful and enthusiastic. My years on this planet and some deep reflection have told me I jump into things too quickly and take them too seriously way to early. By doing so I set myself up for getting hurt which is something that obviously needs to change.

    I’m happy my encouragement means something to you, I work on voicing positive things to other people. I’m really crap at that generally but somehow your blog really makes me root for you and makes me want to express it. Big deals for both of us I assume. 😀

    Personally I don’t have a drivers license and in my country and city that’s no loss but I imagine if one of my major modes of transportation was cut it’d be pretty daunting to me as well. I hear in America getting anywhere without a car is at the very least an adventure. May you discover your public transport is more useful than its reputation over here is. 🙂

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