(the list goes on)…
When I start crossing off the activities that I’ve given up since my OWI arrest, it starts to become very obvious why I’m a hermit these days. There is now a huge void in my life. A void that I struggle to fill. In one brief moment, a huge part of who I knew myself to be forever changed, and I continue to struggle with the ramifications.
I went from going out several times a week to hear live music, listen to friends’ bands, or to play in my own band to never leaving the house. I haven’t set foot in a music establishment in over two months and have no interest in going out at all. I have no upcoming gigs with my band, and have no desire to book any new ones. I’ve essentially turned into a boring old man that goes to bed before 10 pm, even on weekends. Definitely not someone I’ve ever identified with before!
Not having a motorcycle over the summer is killing me. Every time there’s a nice day, I so desperately want to be out on my bike! Watching others out riding their motorcycles on a beautiful day creates a sinking feeling inside me, reminding me of what once was.
I’ve went from nearly always having a date to having no interest in dating at all. The thought of dating truly abhors me right now.
I’ve went from living to play music to having no interest in music at all, and I’m not sure when it’s coming back. I have several guitars out on display in my living room, and I just sit and stare at them, refusing to pick them up. A few days ago, I remember staring at my Les Paul (guitar) for a good 15 minutes straight, thinking…
…Thinking about all the fun times I’ve had playing guitar
…Thinking about how that will never be the same.
…Thinking about whether I want to make the effort to even try to do music anymore.
…Thinking how I’d just be better off to sell all my music gear and put the money in the bank.
I recently came to the realization that much of my passion for life is now gone. I was outside on my patio, deep in thought, and when the realization hit I actually mumbled the words “It’s gone”. I’ve always been a very passionate person, and it’s strange to not feel that burning passion any longer. I’m not entirely sure how to identify with the new me; the ho-hum me that I’ve become; a me that I don’t really like all that much.
Creativity? That’s gone, too. No idea when that one is coming back either. The extent of my creativity these days seems to involve how I can best arrange the dirty dishes in the sink so I can not do them for 5 days and still not have them strewn all over the counter top.
Today is 130 days without a drink, although I’m not counting. Counting days seem irrelevant. I had to do the math back to April 5th to come up with the number of days. It’s not a test of fortitude to see how long I can go. My drinking days are over, so there’s little point in keeping track of just how long it’s been since I last had a drink.
I’ve continued to see my AODA counselor, although I’m seeing her much less often. She’s doesn’t really add much value. Google has helped me a lot more than she has helped me. I plan to continue seeing her until all the court stuff is finalized, after which I’ll find someone else, or most likely stop seeing an AODA counselor.
Many of you have been kind enough to reach out to me personally, and I’m very grateful. I’m also very far behind in my responses. I will do my best to respond soon. Please know that I do appreciate your well wishes. Thank you.
EDIT: For part 2 of this post – please follow this link -> https://thenarcissistsson.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/smile-its-not-all-bad/