Link Between Childhood Abuse and Alcohol Abuse

So I was doing a little digging into links between childhood abuse and alcohol abuse and found this article from a study conducted on the link between childhood abuse and alcohol abuse on the NIH website. 

Of particular note from the article ->

Especially noteworthy was the high prevalence of emotional abuse (as a child): alcohol dependent subjects were more than 10 times as likely to have experienced emotional abuse than non-dependent subjects…

Wow.  Just wow.

I don’t feel that I am alcohol dependent since I suffered very few ill effects when I quit drinking, but I was definitely headed in that direction prior to quitting.

I found several other articles that all say essentially the same thing:  Children who suffered severe emotional abuse have a very high propensity for adult alcoholism.  The data would indicate that emotional abuse has the highest correlation to alcoholism, even above physical abuse and sexual abuse.

Incredible.  I guess I get the alcohol piece honest.

Stephen Bach

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Smile, it’s Not all Bad :)

As I mentioned in the comments of my most recent post (https://thenarcissistsson.wordpress.com/2015/08/13/wine-women-and-song-and-other-deletions/), I seem to have painted a picture of my current situation that is much more bleak than what is truly the case.

The changes I’ve been forced to go through have been a huge adjustment.  I would estimate that a good 40% of who I define myself to be was somehow affected.  I think that these huge changes are what has led to my depressive symptoms, but I don’t feel as though I’m truly depressed.  I’ve been much worse, honestly.  This is more just a big adjustment, and it’s taken me some time to figure it all out.

A few clarifications on the previous post:

• I have no interest in dating at this time, but I do envision a return to dating at some point in the future.  It might be a year or so before I’m open to it again.  Frankly, my recent dating history has left me exhausted, and I could really use the break.
• I do plan to continue to play guitar, I’m just not sure exactly how to go about it yet moving forward.  Recently, things have been very unsteady with my band and I’ve had to use many fill-ins, so I’m looking at this as a chance for some downtime and a time to refocus and forge a new direction with my music.  I’ve been doing essentially the same thing for 10 years.  Time for something different.
• I’m not having any issues at work.  In fact, if anything, my work has improved.  It seems that my work b***s*** tolerance has dropped dramatically since this all occurred, and that has resulted in new levels of respect from many of my coworkers.  I’ve always been quite straightforward in a work environment, but now, I have absolutely no tolerance for anything more than “just the facts, please”.

I’ve been focusing a great deal on my time with my daughter.  Without other things going on in my life, I’m better able to focus on her during our times together.  Last weekend we went to the fair and rode rides and ate a bunch of bad food on a stick.  It was fun!

I’ve also taken a very strong interest in bicycling.  Last week I biked 120 miles.  I have 2 road bikes, a mountain bike, and a recently purchased fat bike.  A fat bike is like an overgrown mountain bike that has 4″ (100mm) wide tires on it.  It’s heavy and slow but a lot of fun!  It’s the monster truck of bicycles and I can ride it just about anywhere!  One of the things the fat bikes are good for is riding in snow.  I’m actually looking forward to trying it out in the snow, which means I’m looking forward to snow for like the first time in 15 years!

My new fat bike riding in the woods!

More pictures of my new fat bike! It’s fun!

Now for the bad:  I have an offer from the District Attorney on the table regarding my OWI that I plan to take.  I would plead No Contest to only the OWI charge and all other charges would be dropped.  It will mean that I will have to pay a large fine, obtain an alcohol assessment, attend DUI school, and will lose my license for 6 months.  I don’t think I really have any other options.  The deal that is being offered is the minimum I can be penalized while still being convicted for OWI in my locale, which means that if I decided to fight it and still was convicted, the best I could end up with would be exactly the deal I have on the table right now.  I will be eligible for an occupational license, so at least I’ll be able to drive my daughter where she needs to go and get to work.  Some rough figuring puts the cost of my OWI at close to $20,000 when it’s all done, and I didn’t even pay for my last drink!

One other huge plus out of all this:  I’ve quit smoking.  I’ve smoked on and off for the better part of 30 years, having at one time taken a 11 year break from smoking (started back up again when I went through my first divorce), as well as several other breaks.  I’m a person that gets very addicted to nicotine, and gets very irritable when I quit, so be happy you’re on that side of the screen!!  I figured if I’m giving up vices, I might as well go for broke.  I’m giving up sex, drugs, and rock and roll all at once!  Quitting smoking is 1,452 times harder than quitting drinking.   It sucks!  But it’s a great time to quit.  I have nothing in my life other than my daughter and my job, so I’m much better able to manage stress and triggers that would normally be problematic to my commitment to quit.

Thanks to all of you for your continued support.  I’m working my way through all my emails and I promise to get to yours soon if you haven’t heard from me.

I also have some wild ideas for some future posts, plus the whole alcoholism thing has opened a door to an entirely new world of narcissism that I never new existed.  Much to write about!

Best wishes on your continued healing journey!

Stephen Bach

Wine, Women, and Song (and other deletions)

Wine

Women

Song

Harleys

Beer

Cigars

(the list goes on)…

When I start crossing off the activities that I’ve given up since my OWI arrest, it starts to become very obvious why I’m a hermit these days.  There is now a huge void in my life.   A void that I struggle to fill.   In one brief moment, a huge part of who I knew myself to be forever changed, and I continue to struggle with the ramifications.

I went from going out several times a week to hear live music, listen to friends’ bands, or to play in my own band to never leaving the house.  I haven’t set foot in a music establishment in over two months and have no interest in going out at all.  I have no upcoming gigs with my band, and have no desire to book any new ones.  I’ve essentially turned into a boring old man that goes to bed before 10 pm, even on weekends.  Definitely not someone I’ve ever identified with before!

Not having a motorcycle over the summer is killing me.  Every time there’s a nice day, I so desperately want to be out on my bike!  Watching others out riding their motorcycles on a beautiful day creates a sinking feeling inside me, reminding me of what once was.

I’ve went from nearly always having a date to having no interest in dating at all.  The thought of dating truly abhors me right now.

I’ve went from living to play music to having no interest in music at all, and I’m not sure when it’s coming back.  I have several guitars out on display in my living room, and I just sit and stare at them, refusing to pick them up.  A few days ago, I remember staring at my Les Paul (guitar) for a good 15 minutes straight, thinking…

…Thinking about all the fun times I’ve had playing guitar

…Thinking about how that will never be the same.

…Thinking about whether I want to make the effort to even try to do music anymore.

…Thinking how I’d just be better off to sell all my music gear and put the money in the bank.

I recently came to the realization that much of my passion for life is now gone.  I was outside on my patio, deep in thought, and when the realization hit I actually mumbled the words “It’s gone”.  I’ve always been a very passionate person, and it’s strange to not feel that burning passion any longer.  I’m not entirely sure how to identify with the new me; the ho-hum me that I’ve become; a me that I don’t really like all that much.

Creativity?  That’s gone, too.  No idea when that one is coming back either.  The extent of my creativity these days seems to involve how I can best arrange the dirty dishes in the sink so I can not do them for 5 days and still not have them strewn all over the counter top.

Today is 130 days without a drink, although I’m not counting.  Counting days seem irrelevant.  I had to do the math back to April 5th to come up with the number of days.  It’s not a test of fortitude to see how long I can go.  My drinking days are over, so there’s little point in keeping track of just how long it’s been since I last had a drink.

I’ve continued to see my AODA counselor, although I’m seeing her much less often.  She’s doesn’t really add much value.  Google has helped me a lot more than she has helped me.  I plan to continue seeing her until all the court stuff is finalized, after which I’ll find someone else, or most likely stop seeing an AODA counselor.

Many of you have been kind enough to reach out to me personally, and I’m very grateful.  I’m also very far behind in my responses.  I will do my best to respond soon.  Please know that I do appreciate your well wishes.  Thank you.

Stephen

EDIT: For part 2 of this post – please follow this link -> https://thenarcissistsson.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/smile-its-not-all-bad/