Some background: My golden child brother’s twin died 2 years ago at the end of April. I did find it somewhat difficult to let the anniversary of his passing come and go this year with no contact with my family of origin. However, I knew that if I did contact my family of origin during this time, that it would proceed down the usual path and there wouldn’t be any change. Often, No Contact is not much fun, but it is what I need to do.
I had not heard from my golden child brother for about 2 months until a few days ago when he subjected me to a full broadside via email, text and phone.
This incident occurred at 12:15 AM (0015) on a Sunday morning. I was in bed sound asleep. I did not respond and did not answer his phone call.
Subject line of “You are my brother” and no message.
The first text message he sent was a picture of his deceased twin’s favorite hat that my golden child brother had finally managed to obtain from his deceased twin’s widow
Then a text message that said “Call me when you’re ready”
He called me and left a brief message. The first words of the message were “I’ve had a rough week….” And then he went on to talk about how much he was hurting, etc.
Contact by all above means occurred within a 10 minute time window.
All of it was quite incredible. I have not communicated with him in 6 months. Again, he calls me in the middle of the night, showing absolutely zero respect for me and for what I may be doing. And again, all his communication is completely selfish.
With his “You are my brother” email, he is trying to pull on the obligation string that says I’m “required” to have a relationship with him just because we are brothers. If I were to respond, I think the proper response to his email would be “True”, because our brother status is not in any doubt, but it’s already common knowledge that we are brothers, so what’s the point? Furthermore, our status as brothers is immaterial to our impasse. I will not tolerate his selfish behavior no matter what our relation. Just because he’s my brother doesn’t give him a special pass to treat me with contempt and tell me how screwed up I am. Looking at a message like this in my current detached emotional state from my family is somewhat comical. I had an inkling to respond with “The sky is blue”, which is also common knowledge and immaterial to our impasse, but thought better of it. When dealing with a narcissist, anything I say can and will be used against me.
The text messages are more disturbing and extremely selfish on many levels. His sending me a picture of his deceased twin’s favorite hat is truthfully quite disturbing. He and I have no relationship whatsoever, and he sends me a picture of his deceased brother’s hat that he had managed to finally get my deceased brother’s widow to relinquish? In his mind, he won the battle with his deceased brother’s widow by getting her to relinquish the hat, and he needed to show me that he had won so that I could be impressed and congratulate him on obtaining it. To me, it’s irrelevant that he has the hat. My deceased brother’s hat has NOTHING to do with my golden child brother’s and my relationship. It’s an attempt on my golden child brother’s part to deflect any conversation we might have away from the issues. I totally understood my deceased brother’s widow wanting to keep the hat as a remembrance of her deceased husband, but to my golden child brother, that was unacceptable, and through coercion and manipulation he finally managed to get her to give it up, because he thought he should have it and not her.
The “Call me when you’re ready” text is ridiculous. What would we talk about? Why in the world would I think that our discussion would be any different this time than the last dozen or so times we attempted to have the same discussion? History says that the discussion we would have would be all about him, and when I would attempt to bring up any issues, he would immediately shut me down and then tell me he “doesn’t get it, no matter how hard he tries”. The only reason he wants to have a discussion is so that *HE* can feel better (i.e, I give him narcissistic supply). It has nothing to do with me. So why would I want to make that phone call?
Which brings up the phone message: The first words out of his mouth were “I had a rough week…” Incredible! Yes, I believe he has had a rough week with the anniversary of his twin’s passing, and truthfully I do feel empathy for him. I have no idea how difficult it is to lose your twin. But… his twin’s death has NOTHING to do with his and my impasse! Again, the first words out his mouth are all about him and have nothing to do with me or our dilemma.
Yes, another attempt at contact from my family of origin, and another validation of my decision to go no contact. Ironically, I spent decades seeking validation in vain from my family. Now I receive validation from my family with every attempt they make at communication.