I like hugs. I always have. Maybe I’m weird, but I think hugs are grand.
- A hug says “I got you” and provides protection from fear of the unknown.
- A hug melts away the years that it’s been since you last saw each other.
- A hug provides a snippet of solace as tears fall next to a casket.
- A hug says “I empathize with you”.
My daughter likes hugs, too. She’s very physically affectionate, which is great, because so am I. We often will hold hands as we walk though a store. She will regularly come up to me and hug me when we are chilling around the house.
I give my daughter a long hug every night when I tuck her into bed. She can’t seem to get enough. “Dad, just one more!” she says as I try to pull away after hug #7. She’s recently taken to spending an occasional night camping out in my 15 year old conversion van that I use to haul band gear. I set her up with a sleeping bag, an air mattress, and an iPad with some movies. She takes along a carefully selected collection of stuffed animals and her phone and camps out in the driveway for the night. It’s early stages of independence for a 9 year old; I’m OK with that. She still wants a hug, though. “Dad, can you come out to the van and give me a hug before I go to sleep?” reads her text message. I’m more than happy to oblige.
On my way down to the van, it hit me…
I never received hugs from my parents. I was never tucked into bed at night. I never had that type of connection to my parents. I honestly can’t remember a single time where I received a hug at bedtime. Perhaps I’ve blocked out or misplaced those memories, but I would think I would have at least one or two memories of getting a hug and being tucked into bed as a child.
Typically, I was curtly ordered to bed, and then chastised if I didn’t fall asleep in 10 minutes. I can still recall my parents’ frustration with me when I would come out of my bedroom to use the bathroom an hour after I was sent to bed. Hmm…like I was going to be able to fall asleep with a full bladder… plus I had issues with bed wetting, for which I was often spanked, so it was definitely in my best interest to make sure all the pipes were drained before I succumbed to the sandman. Yet another ‘no win’ situation of my childhood.
One of ‘those’ sayings is that we all turn into our parents when parenting our own children. The thought of turning into my parents when parenting is positively frightening! I so don’t want that to happen, and I’m extremely conscious of how I approach topics with my daughter so that she knows that she is heard. It’s good to have realizations like the hug realization. I helps me to know that I’m not doing it like dear ol’ N-mom.
Stephen Bach
The Narcissist's Son 
Many many many hugs to you! I know I don’t know them, but you are nothing like your parents, so don’t be afraid. 🙂
More hugs! ❤
Thanks Paola! I knew I could count on you for a few hugs 🙂
Stephen
Then you get a few more! ❤
Wow, Stephen……sometimes when you write, I feel like I am reading my own history. It’s a little eerie.
I also like hugs, but they have to be genuine hugs from genuine people. Although it is sad that you never got hugs when you were young, do bear in mind that a hug from a narcissist is ultimately worth nothing. I have an N sister who insists on giving hugs to me whenever I see her, and it takes all I have to keep from throwing up.
Hi Pops!
It does seem that many of my thoughts are the same thoughts that so many others have. I’m glad that sharing my thoughts helps others to find some level of validation. It’s an outcome I would have never expected when I started this endeavor, honestly.
I agree about hugs needing to be genuine. For me, it’s very easy to tell when a hug isn’t genuine. I think a hug is a way to open yourself up to the person you are hugging, and if there are issues with being open with the person you are hugging, it shows up in the quality of the hug. I can remember hugging my mother on rare occasion and feeling absolutely nothing. I always thought it as odd, but now it makes much more sense. Hugs I would receive from my daughter’s mother were also very unfeeling. She had huge issues with emotional intimacy, and she was well aware of her issues, but chose not face her inner BPD demons. It would have been a huge and horribly painful undertaking for her so better to live in the land of make believe and pretend everything is fine.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Pops!
Stephen
Hey you!
I’m a hugger too and like you very much unlike my patents. My mother especially. If I would hug her she would sigh and say: what are you after now?! I also was not allowed to hold her hand because I was either “holding her back” or “dragging her down”.
xMags
Hugs set free endorphins and oxytocin. In fact it’s weird not to like hugs. I by and large don’t like hugs. I fear them. My mother used to hug me when she needed support. Add in being autistic and touch sensitive. Stir well, after 3 years mix an extreme willingness to please and be good enough. Wait a bit. Your disaster is ready…
I remember mother tugging me in exactly once. I also remember how I used to want hugs and parental affection before bed time as a small child, somewhere between age 3 and 6. I would climb down my bunk bed again and go to the next door living room. My birth parents like yours were disapproving I didn’t fall asleep quick enough (so were kindergarteners during nap times, to the point my birthparents withdrew me from afternoon kindergarten) and complained about me coming to them for affection. I didn’t make that mistake any more in later years.
By now I can barely stand being touched, except animals. Nothing like a good big long doggie hug for the big ones or having a cat sleep on your chest… It takes me ages to get used to a new partners touch. Then again I have never been with someone emotionally healthy.
You haven’t updated this blog in quite some time. Thanks for writing it. My scapegoat wife recently went no contact with her golden child narcissist brother and your blog has been a valuable resource for me to understand what she is going through. The FOG has lifted so to speak. I’d like to know how you are doing.