General Posts on my realizations that I made as I discovered my history of family Narcissism
I recently teamed up with Aubrey Cole and the team over at Swan Waters to record a few more podcasts. This one is on love bombing. Love bombing is the act of using romance / sex / money in a disingenuous way as to “win” over a new romantic partner.
The podcast runs about 45 min in two sections and can be found here -> http://swanwaters.com/love-bombing/
Stephen Bach
THIS SURVEY IS NOW CLOSED.
Many thanks to those of you who participated! I hope that the results will prove beneficial to others that have had to endure growing up with a narcissistic parent.
Recently I was approached by the University of Georgia regarding participating in a study on narcissistic parental communication patterns. After some discussion with the researchers conducting the study, I feel that their research is legitimate and could also be quite beneficial to many people, and not just the ACON community.
From the University of Georgia ->
My colleague and I are researchers at the University of Georgia collecting data for a project examining how parental communication impacts individuals once there are adults. There is presently no published scale that measures parental narcissism behaviors from the perspective of the adult child, and very little research in general. Not surprisingly, we would like to have ACONs, if they are interested, participate in our study. Participants will have the opportunity to partake in questionnaire that asks about their parent’s communication style(s) and some items that measure personality characteristics of their parent or legal guardian that they identify as a narcissist and themselves.
Anyone over the age of 18 who identifies as an ACON is eligible for this study, it does not matter where you live in the world, your gender, or whether English is your first-language. Also, everyone, regardless of location, is eligible to enter the drawing at the end of the survey. The survey will take approximately 15-30 minutes.
In addition, participants may choose to enter a drawing for one of ten $100 gift cards for participating. The entire process will require less than 30 minutes of their time (closer to 20). Of course we will keep all information confidential, so that names and other identifying markers (e.g., IP addresses) will not be linked to the questionnaire they complete. Participants who are interested in the drawing will enter an email address into the drawing – email addresses will not be linked back to the questionnaires.
Approval of the research protocol for this study was approved at The University of Georgia’s Institutional Review Board.
The link to the study is here -> https://ugeorgia.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_bpUcPJ3CkaLjOPb I encourage those of you that are ACONS (Adult Children of Narcissist’s) to participate.
I have quite a few more posts brewing, too, but I was hoping to get this one out because I believe the study closes on February 28th of 2015.
In other news, I now have a girlfriend. I’m quite excited about it!
Stephen Bach
Last night was one of the nights I have placement with my 9 year old daughter, my only child. Her mother and I have been divorced for nearly 5 years. Because of my job, she typically will spend an hour or more in aftercare at school before I can pick her up. I don’t mind her being in aftercare. Since she doesn’t have any siblings at all, it’s a great opportunity for her to socialize with her peers.
I arrived at the school and gave her a hug and helped her collect her things. We got into the car and started on the drive home. The drive home consisted of asking how her day was, how her weekend with her mom went, and listening to her tell me about her next great idea. I always love to listen to her ideas.
We stopped at a stoplight and while waiting for it to change, I yawned. Before my yawn was half over, she yawned, too.
I asked: “Honey, are you tired?”
She responded: “No dad, my yawning when you yawn shows that we are connected, and I think we have a great connection.”
I nearly melted. It’s moments like these that make it all seem worth it. All the money spent fighting for placement and custody. All the emotional turmoil involved with extricating myself from her mother. All the money I pay every month in child support, little of which is spent on my daughter. All worth it.
I mustered a sheepish response as I patted her on the shoulder: “I think we have a great connection, too”.
Stephen Bach
Here I sit. Laptop on my lap. There’s a fire smoldering in the fireplace. All the lights are off, save the glow of the Christmas tree. A candle burns on the coffee table. The sounds of BB King from 1964 fill the room from the turntable. The tree is surrounded by gifts to be enjoyed by my daughter when she wakes up in the morning. I’m nursing a glass of Zinfandel.
I’m alone.
I’m fighting back tears. What it is, what it’s not, what it might have been, what it should have been. The holidays have always been a painful time, and they still are. All the horrible holiday incidents. All the ugly family behavior. From the recent past all the way back to my childhood.
Nothing brings to the forefront the dysfunction associated with a narcissistic upbringing like the holidays. Others have family. Others have significant others. Others look forward to the chance to reconnect with those they love. I don’t have that. And I never will. I’ve accepted it. Acceptance doesn’t make it any easier.
I do have my daughter, and I feel I am so very blessed to have her in my life. She has taught me more than she will ever know. She’s an incredible blessing and means so much to me. I think about how she is growing up in a broken home. I think about how I would never have wanted that for her; how I wanted her to know that her parents were madly in love with each other and that their love spilled over to her and all her potential siblings. How I wanted her to celebrate family at Christmas. It never came to fruition. It was not possible. I’ve accepted it. Acceptance doesn’t make it easier.
I think about family. A family with whom I would cherish our times together, and look forward to our next meeting. Family that supported me. Family that loved me. Family that I will never have. I’ve accepted that, too. Acceptance doesn’t make it easier.
I think about my life. What might have been had I not been so well trained to be a scapegoat and codependent. What might have been had I received the support that my unique talents needed growing up. What might have been had I not continued to replay the dysfunction of my family of origin for decades after leaving home. I’ve accepted that, too. Acceptance doesn’t make it any easier.
So I fight back tears. Bittersweet tears. Tears of where I’ve been. Tears that know that I have strength; the strength needed to soldier through against incredible odds. Tears that mean that I did what I had to do to survive. Tears that mean I am comfortable with who I am, and if that means I’m alone at the holidays, so be it.
So…
Cheers!
I raise my glass of Zinfandel to you and wish you a Happy Holidays! Allow me to toast your survival; your ability to stand up against incredible odds; your ability to recognize the dysfunction and find a way to leave it behind. It’s not easy, and it never becomes easier. Just know that others have been where you’ve been, and they do truly understand.
Best wishes on your healing journey.
Stephen Bach
My mother called again on Thanksgiving day. Again I did not answer. I have been no contact (NC) with my mother since May of 2013. She has figured out that I don’t want anything to do with her, but she has no idea why. Why should she have any idea? She’s treating me the same way she always has, I’m the one that is responding differently. I can envision how it must be confusing for her.
She left a rather lengthy message, much of which was typical small talk about what she was doing for her holiday and what was happening in her life. She never even asked about my daughter (her grand daughter).
At the very end, in her oh-so-very-typical-drop-the-bombshell-on-the-way-out-the-door fashion, she said the following:
“I hope that someday you’re going to be the son I always wanted. I’ll pray for you”.
I don’t think she could have summed up her entire narcissistic approach to me in a more succinct fashion. The first sentence is textbook narcissistic parent, and it’s loaded. In one brief statement, she says how her vision for me was more important than my vision for me when she says I’m not the son that “she wanted”. Her statement also clearly says that she perceives me as a failure. She’s also conveying that she owns the script for my life and I don’t have any say in it. A healthy and supportive parent encourages a child to use their talents to be whomever they want to be. A controlling, narcissistic parent assesses a child’s worthiness and potential as if they were some sort of kitchen appliance, and then demands that the child follow the parents’ prescribed path for them. If my narcissistic mother envisions me a toaster and her role for me is to make toast every morning, she will be horribly upset and see me as a failure when I decide to be a blender and make margaritas every night.
I’ll pray for you.
Pray for what, exactly?
Pray that a superior being suddenly works magic in me so that I cast off the person I am so I can become the person that she envisions? Pray that I will someday realize that her wisdom and insight are superior to mine and return to worshipping her? Pray that I will become reengaged in her version of hyper conservative and judgemental christianity? I’m not sure what she’s praying for, but it’s all irrelevant.
You know what, mom? I’ll pray for you, too. I’ll pray that someday you will see that I AM a worthy son. I’ll pray that someday it won’t be all about you and your image. I’ll pray that someday you will realize how damaged you are, and take steps to mitigate that damage and the relationships that have been destroyed by that damage. I’ll pray that someday you will become the loving, nurturing mother that every child deserves.
Have I offered any of those prayers?
No. It’s pointless. All hope is gone.
Stephen Bach
Recently, I teamed up with Aubrey Cole over at Swan Waters for another podcast. Aubrey is a survivor of a terribly abusive marriage and has dedicated herself to helping others who have found themselves in abusive situations.
This podcast focuses on toxic romances and how the victims are affected. I think many excellent points were made!
The podcast is free to listen to for both Swan Waters members and non-members.
Stay tuned for more podcasts with myself and the team at Swan Waters in the near future!
About a month ago I received three phone calls from my mother, the last of which was on my birthday. I went no contact with my mother about 18 months ago. My mother is the source of my abusive past, and I continued to carry her and her projected issues with me well into my adult life. I didn’t return any of her calls.
The first call was made to me in the middle of a workday while I was at work:
Hi Stephen, this is your mother. (Your stepfather) and I have recently moved from our house on the lake to an apartment, and we are wondering if you could come to our new apartment and hook up our TV and stereo equipment. Call me back at (phone number).
Mind you, I haven’t talked to her in 18 months, then suddenly out of the blue she calls because she needs me to do something for her. After listening to the message while still at work, I remember spending nearly an hour shaking my head. Every time I would think about her call I would shake my head. Seriously? We have had no contact for 18 months and you call me because you need me to do something for you? She doesn’t even bother to ask how I am or how my daughter is? Incredible! Still shaking my head…
The second call came 3 days later:
Hi Stephen, this is your mother. One more time, can you hook up our TV and our stereo equipment? We bought a new TV and have no idea how to hook it up. If you don’t hook it up, I’ll have to pay someone to set it up. Call me back and let me know.
Amazing! Now she’s badgering me to do something for her! I didn’t exist until she needed me to do something for her! It’s always all about her.
The third call occurred on my birthday:
Hi Stephen, this is your mom. Wishing to call you and wish you a happy birthday. God’s blessings! Don’t know if you are out riding your bike (Harley). It’s such a beautiful day! Did you get my message about the stereo equipment? Please be cooperative and at least call me about that so I know one way or the other so I know if I’ll have to pay someone else to do it. God’s blessing always! Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts even though you seem to ignore me. I only have a few years left and I hope you do attend my funeral. That’s all I can say. Thank you. Good bye.
Incredible! Wow, what a guilt trip! Classic! I was impressed! And on my birthday! How special. Her attitude at the end of the call was extremely dismissive. I remember chuckling as I listened to the message. Truthfully, chuckling is a good sign: Chuckling means I’m not subject to her shenanigans anymore. Her guilt trips no longer have an effect! I think it’s amazing how she intersperses “God’s Blessings” and “Thoughts and Prayers” with her pathetic guilt laden drivel. So she’s coming from a superior position because she calls herself a Christian? Perhaps it’s a means to further guilt me into doing her bidding. The hidden message being: A good Christian son would drop everything and do his mother’s bidding when she asked.
Still shaking my head…
Stephen Bach
Greetings!
My apologies for being away for so long. I’ve been very busy with my band and that has consumed the majority of my free time as of late. It’s a good thing! I can’t remember the last time my band was this busy.
Recently I participated in a podcast for Swan Waters. I am also a moderator for their Swan Son’s forum. Swan Waters charges a small fee for an annual membership, but also offers 1 month free. There are a great bunch of survivors there, and they are very conscientious about avoiding gender bias when it comes to abuse.
The podcast is titled Women are From Earth, Men are From Earth. The goal of the podcast was to discuss how men and women experience abuse in a more similar fashion than a dissimilar fashion. All abuse victims, being male or female, end up confused, isolated, and questioning themselves. The podcast runs nearly 90 minutes and is broken up into two segments. The participants are myself, and Harmony, who is also the product of a narcissistic family.
The podcast can be found here -> http://swanwaters.com/gender-equality/
I have several additional posts that I hope to complete in the next week. Stay tuned.
Stephen Bach
I saw this meme the other day and thought it was excellent.
Leaving is only step one in dealing with an abusive relationship. Dealing with the aftermath is as challenging, if not more challenging, than the actual leaving event. For me, I have spent a lifetime of dealing with the ramifications of my abusive relationships. All the mentioned steps are part of the healing process, and that process will be part of the rest of my life.
I know that I had some symptoms of PTSD after leaving my relationships. After I ended my relationship with my cheating ex girlfriend, I would jump anytime I would hear a car door outside my house, thinking she had returned.
It seems no one believes your story, unless they have been there. I think this is even more true for men that leave abusive relationships.
Support from family was nonexistent. Expecting any support from them would be ludicrous when it’s their behavior that made me susceptible to abusive relationships in the first place.
Stephen Bach
1. 0053
2. 0110
3. 0114
4. 0125
5. 0145
6. 0153
7. 0153
8. 0153
9. 0154
10. 0154
11. 0155
The above are times of day. For those of you not familiar with military time, 0053 is 12:53 AM.
The above times are all the times that my golden child brother attempted to call me. Eleven of them. In the middle of the night. On my birthday.
Only once did he leave a message. His message “Hi Stephen, this is (your golden child brother), Happy Birthday. I hope you’re well.”
His message is absolutely fine. I have no problems with his message. Had he called at a reasonable hour, had he not called eleven times in the middle of the night, perhaps I would have considered accepting his message as genuine.
Who does that? Who calls someone eleven times in the middle of the night to wish them a happy birthday? Does he do this to his other friends, or am I the only one that receives such treatment because I’m his brother?
My view is that the eleven calls in the middle of the night on my birthday shows absolutely no respect for me or my life. He’s angry at me that I won’t talk to him, and feels that if he badgers me in the middle of the night that I will be forced to answer and talk to him, which means he gets what he wants, a conversation and potentially a relationship with me again.
Sorry bro, badgering me with phone calls in the middle of the night on my birthday is not going to make me inclined to talk to you or want to have a relationship with you again.
Stephen Bach
I am the adult son of a narcissist mother, a perfectly enabling father, and twin golden child younger brothers.
This blog is my thoughts and observations after a lifetime of dealing with the ramifications of growing up in my family of origin.
I can be reached by clicking on my image above.
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The Narcissist's Son 